…it’s not God-bashing. It’s my personal thought process…in fact, after all that has happened, I don’t think WE are the one doing the bashing but rather…being ‘bashed’. No but seriously, if you feel uncomfortable reading my thoughts then stop, go read some cheesy book because unless you’ve been thru what we’ve been thru, excuse me, you are not entitled to really judge and comment. This is my train of thoughts on what my wife and I have gone through and we are entitled to our opinions. Please save the holy God talk, we don’t want that, we don’t need that. At least I don’t because…there were enough talking going on with no action…on God’s part.
So…if you feel uncomfortable, stop reading lest you feel compelled to vent YOUR idealistic, godly values in OUR blog. Thank you very much.
God’s finest hour…in the NICU?
I was afraid that if someone were to step in, either I would startle him or he would me or both of us would startle each other but I figured, I’m truly desperate now – my baby’s life is hanging on God’s Grace and Mercies now so why let a bit of embarrassment stop me?
Immediately I dropped down on both knees just right below the NICU notice boards with all the smiling success stories of preemies who made it, alone in the NICU lobby, I prayed and prayed hard while my baby Ashley lay there dying.
I told God, that if ever in my life I needed Him to do me a miracle, it is now. So many people have done so much, fasted and prayed and now…it’s really up to Him. I prayed and prayed. Asking for covering, protection…the works but did it work?
How was God’s finest hour?
The Day After…
Waking-up seem so meaningless. Before Ashley died, each day would bring new victory, new joys. In fact it was not too long ago that I could actually feel her kick inside Angie’s womb but today…it’s a different reality. In fact it’s a reality we are sickeningly familiar with. However there’s a new twist.
Today I had to get Ashley’s death cert processed BUT before that happens, I must get her BIRTH cert. (You see God’s sense of humour in this? This is what good literature texts are made of) Anyway, like I said I’m sickeningly familiar with this reluctant acceptance. Just like when our son Joash lost his head during delivery – like it or not, He makes you accept it.
Ok…so I sit at the Birth Registry counter doing my fatherly duties albeit with a glum face and heavy heart. After that, I moved to the counter on my right (yes, just change seat to my right – don’t you just LOVE Singapore’s efficiency?) and started processing Ashley’s death cert when a lady accompanied by her mother (I think) walks to the birth registration counter on my left and asks if she can register her baby’s birth without putting ‘the father’s name’ inside’. Whoa! Anger and jealousy hit me like a brick!
So apart from learning a new thing – for single parent registration of Birth, you have to go to ICA, not hospitals, I learnt that God deems that Angie and I would probably be worse parents than that single mum, because these folks are blessed with easy successful pregnancies while we are not, despite how much efforts we’ve put in and sacrifices we’ve made. Talk about knowing God’s will!
The Birth Cert.
I held Ashley’s birth cert in my hands. Nicely laminated, clearly printed except…no baby to bring it home with. Then I saw it…right at the top right hand corner – her birth cert number…starting with ‘T’.
That would have been Ashley's i/c number when she grows up. How I wish we could use that to register her for play-school, kindergarten, nurseries...B ut first, I've to use it to book a cremation slot to bid our Princess a reluctant goodbye...
Everything seems the same…
It’s night. We sit together at ward 44-14, eating dinner, arranging the countertop, killing ants (yes…these ants benefited too from all those goodies people having been blessing us with)…everything seemed the same as the other nights in the past 7 weeks except this time…Ashley is no longer with us: We no longer can look forward to the ‘doppler’ sessions when the nurses or doctors would come and scan for her heartbeat twice a day; we no longer can sing to her, feel her kick and tell her how much we look forward to cuddling her…
Everything seems the same except….it’s not.
3 Strikes and…
They say lighting don’t strike twice. Well…it did for us. In fact, 3 times. How’s that for luck?
The 'Souvenir'
We travel widely and inevitably we collect souvenirs at every trip. This journey Angie’s got one – the permanent long scar across her lower tummy that’s causing her unbearable pain even as I’m writing this. It’s not exactly the ‘altar of remembrance’ we had in mind to erect for God upon Ashley’s birth...
6 comments:
David, I'm shivering with rage at how unfair things have been for you and Angie and believe me when I tell you I'm sickened too by the injustices of Life. I can only keep praying for you, for Angie, that He would somehow make sense of it all for you. That He would make your crooked paths straight. Thank you for baring your soul in here, it's a privilege to join you and Angie on this journey of healing. April
Hi David. I know what it means to be faced with the irony of what you went thru. But before I continue I will admit my situation is not as... unfortunate as yours. I thought mine was bad but after reading about your experience, I reckon mine pales somewhat. I understand the torment you are going thru, so pls know that you are not alone in feeling this. Hear me out.
I remember being the proud father going to apply for my son's birth certificate a couple of days after he was born. I was filled with dreams, hopes and aspiratons of being able to bring up my son like my father did for me as I signed the piece of paper. I still remember holding the certificate close to me as I walked out of the hospital. It was a brilliant sunny day. Three and a half months later, my son passed away in his sleep.
I had to go thru the pain of signing and accepting his death certificate. I had to wait to identify his body. I had to endure the wait for the morgue to complete their autopsy. I had to wait to receive my son's cold body wrapped in plastic. I had to go thru that same irony - that same sense of helplessness and not understanding. And only recently, we had to go and apply for records for insurance and go thru those two documents once more. And till this day, my only wish is that I could at least have said good-bye and take care to my son. Just like you, I'm sure.
I'm not going to talk about religion 'cause I don't have one. But I hope you will keep your chin up. It's tough but you know you can do it. Charlie mike, mate.
Bro,
no words can describe the pain, sufferings and the evil of losing our child. Our hearts go to you and yr family.
We too, lost our 7 weeks old Joel, 2 years back. The memories are still so fresh on our mind, holding Joel in our hands and seeing him grasping his last breath. We are believers like you. We prayed, reading healing scriptures, speaking life to him, partaking holy communion,all that we knew how, believing for a miracle, hoping against hope.
There are things we can never understand now nor second guess Him, but one day when we see Him face to face, we will know.
One thing for sure, our children are in the arms of Jesus, happier than we can ever give them. Our separation is only but temporal.
Give yourself time to grief. Cry if you may and time will heal.
I pray that God's shalom be with you and your family and restore muliple folds all that you have lost. like what He has done to our family. Shalom.
Hi David, is there a way I could communicate to you in private?
Hi,
This is my first time visiting your blog, and what both of you have gone through really breaks my heart.
I have lost children through miscarriage before having my son. And in August this year, I had another early miscarriage while trying for a 2nd kid. I too had my doubts in God and his so-called "plan" for us.
Why bless us with pregnancy, but not bless us with a live child for us to love and to live our years with??
As much as the pain of miscarriage was, I cannot even begin to understand the extreme grief both of you would have gone through by losing 3 children.
Stay strong, and (to sound very cliché) think positive. God will reward you with a child very very soon. If you have fear (and who wouldn't after all that you have gone through), you must remember that God works in miraculous ways that we may not always understand.
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