Their Resting Place

We are learning more than we ever wanted to know about cement vaults and caskets, about regulations governing death and cremation. The decisions are hard and the solution costly to dispose of the tiny shells that were our children. Yet they are important for those of us who remain...It's hard to endure one day after another. They are not getting easier, nor are they getting better. We still miss our children. When will we be at peace?



Nathaniel, Joash and Ashley's ashes rest at Blk D (Daffodil), Level 2 Niche 230, Mandai Columbarium. We visit them every Sunday for they are never far from our thoughts...

Ashley's Ashes...

In the end, all that remains are their ashes... Ashley's were so complete, and white as snow. We held her perfect little body. Tiny toes and fingers and wispy dark hair. It's hard to believe that not too long ago, she was still alive and kicking within me...How could that precious little girl be reduced to ashes? We didn't expect it to end like this but at least we got to tell her that Daddy and Mummy love her, just like how we did her brothers...

Joash's ashes are below. He was delivered much earlier than his twin sister so his ashes are less distinct but equally beautiful...God, our babies are already yours, so why can't we have them longer?

We had the 1st two lines of this verse carved onto our babies' niche, to remind ourselves that their conception and delivery is all part of God's plan, that nothing happened out of an accident. Hence we submit humbly to His sovereign will; we surrender the custody of our 3 angels to the Lord until the day we reunite again at Heaven's Gate...

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Psalm 129:13-16.

Ashley's Lullaby

Farewell our Princess

We bade farewell to our precious daughter Ashley Joy Sim on a bright and breezy Saturday afternoon - the same type of day she entered our world and gave us a short but meaningful privilege of being her parents.

About thirty family members and close friends, many whom have prayed and stood by us through this agonising ordeal, were present. Everyone was given cream-coloured gerberas, specially selected by Angie upon entry. The congregation sang three songs: Amazing Grace, I was Made to Praise You and 'Pokarekare Ana' a traditional Maori folk song. These were songs which we would sing to Ashley every night.

After a brief 30-minute memorial delivered by Pastor David Chan, each guest bade their solemn farewells and paid their final respects to Ashley by placing their gerberas alongside our Princess in her tiny white casket. Her grandmother gave her a hand-knitted red cross to symbolise God's presence is always with her. Among the items which accompanied baby Ashley were a crocheted beanie hat from Aunty Teresa which she wore, a cute lil' lamb, cards drawn by her cousin from KL, fresh flowers from Uncle Allan Heng and lots of love and tears from everyone who loved her dearly.













It is said that a picture paints a thousand words but really, no amount of words nor pictures can ever represent our immense grief and sorrow of losing and burying one's child. We seek solace that even God Himself buried His only son for our sake and we seek comfort in knowing that one day, just as He did, we will be reunited back with our beloved Nathaniel, Joash and Ashley in Heaven.

But still...we miss them all so much...

Photo Copyrights 2007, Alan Ng.

Speech in memory of Ashley Joy Sim

This is the speech which David delivered as we bade farewell to our baby Ashley.

In memory of our Princess Ashley

This is a day my wife and I wished we hadn’t woken up to.

First of all, Angie and I want to thank all of you for taking time to attend our baby Ashley’s memorial.

Ashley was a very special baby right from the start. She and Joash were conceived as twins in December and both of them gave us much joy and anticipation throughout the pregnancy. We specially chose the name Ashley so that her name will carry part of her twin brother’s as well.

Ashley was also very well-loved and that can be seen through the number of people who constantly prayed for her and from those of you who are present here today. She was a very blessed and tenacious little girl. Even after her brother Joash was delivered stillborn 7 weeks ago, Ashley hung on with Mummy, fighting away nasty infections and enduring many probes, scans and intravenous medications.

The 7 additional weeks we had with Ashley turned out to be most intimate and treasured. I started feeling her kicks and fetal movements when I placed my palm on Angie’s belly around 2 weeks ago. As eager parents, we would look forward to the twice daily ‘doppler’ sessions where she’ll say ‘hi’ to us with her strong galloping heartbeat. Those were the most pleasant and reassuring sounds to our ears for we know that she’s still ok.

Normally when we lose our loved ones, we are grieved because we miss the companionship and shared memories we’ve had in the past but when you lose a baby, you lose along with it a large part of your future – the future of seeing your baby grow up, taking her 1st step, giving you her 1st hug and uttering her 1st words of ‘Mummy’ and ‘Daddy. All your aspirations, your hopes, your dreams for your baby die along with her passing. Sometimes God nudges us to obey His will , here he thrusts it upon us.

However in life, there are many things about tomorrow we don’t seem to understand but we know who holds tomorrow and we know who holds our hands.

So today we bid our fond farewell to our beloved daughter with an extremely heavy heart. We know she is at a place that is better by far so we release her back to her Creator who has formed her wonderfully.

Please join us now to quietly sing a special song dedicated by us to Ashley even as she was with us. (Song: I was made to praise You) . Next is a song I used to sing to her as her lullaby. Join us now to sing quietly as we invite you to say your prayers for our Ashley and bid your farewell by presenting her with a cream coloured gerbera specially chosen for her by Angie. (Song: Pokarekare Ana)

Ashley's Funeral Details

Date: 09 June Saturday
Time: 1.45pm sharp
Venue: Mandai Crematorium (Hall 4)

At the Carpark

I was leaving the hospital today to run some errands. As my car slowly swung out of its lot, the headlamps met the big eyes of a 2 year-old girl a safe distance away. She was obviously startled by the bright lights as she quickly held on to her 5 year-old brother.

My eyes then caught sight of their father standing next to them lighting up a cigarette smugly...

Damn these parents who have perfectly healthy children yet choose to endanger them...

Why is it difficult for a man in Grief

A Poem For David and all Grieving Dads

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief.
Since men don't cry
and are supposed to be "strong".

No tears can bring relief

It must be very difficult

to stand up to the test

And field calls and visitors

So she can get some rest.

They'll always ask if she's all right

and what she's going through

But seldom would one take his hand

and ask 'My friend, but how are you?'

He hears her crying in the night

and feel his heart will break

He dries her tears and comforts her,

But stays 'strong' for her sake.

It must be very difficult

to start each day anew

And try to be so very brave

For this baby that they lost

was his very precious baby too.

What Makes A Mother

A Poem of Comfort for Angie

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother
and I know I heard him say...

"A mother has a baby."
This we know is true.
But can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes, you can,"
He said with confidence in His voice.
"I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
Some I send to fill your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this, God.
I want my baby here."
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

"I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

'We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh, so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh, so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today.
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So, you see, my dear sweet one,
your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my homeand
this is where she'll stay.

She'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
She'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not see
you're a mother with a child.
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you've always been one."

Max Lucado on Unspeakable Grief

A close friend gave us this book written by Max Lucado entitled, ‘Facing Your Giants’. As we struggle to cope with Ashley’s loss, I just want to quote some of the truths he wrote about the topic of ‘Unspeakable Grief’…

“It’s cold in the valley of the shadow of death. In such moments, spring becomes winter, blue turns to gray, birds go silent and the chill of sorrow settles in. You are left alone to face this giant called grief. Bereavement comes from the word ‘reave’. Look up reave in the dictionary and you’ll read “to take away by force, plunder and rob.” Death robs you. The grave plunders moments and memories not yet shared: birthdays, vacations, milestones. You are bereaved because you’ve been robbed."

Indeed, David and I feel that we’ve been robbed. We have waited, and prayed and searched for His will for eight long years. Yet, we were again denied of the chance to call a child our own. We are wistful – we see parents with kids and yearn for our child. This giant of grief and bereavement stirs up insomnia, loss of appetite, thoughts of calling it quits. Facing the death of your child amputates a limb of your life…and we were amputated three times in three years.

Our family and friends may not understand the magnitude of this giant. But at times like this, we do not need another sympathetic stare or an earful of good o’ Christian counseling on trusting God and staying strong. We need time and space to face our grief – to flush the hurt out of our hearts; to have the permission and blessing to go ahead and cry a river.

In ancient times, Egyptians dressed in black in six months. Some Muslims wear mourning clothes for a year. Orthodox Jews offer prayers for a deceased parent every day for eleven months. Just fifty years ago, rural Americans wore black armbands for a period of several weeks. Yet today, we feel that we have to hurry our hurts, get on with it, get over it, dun be sentimental…It’s as if Ashley’s death has no significance.

But God does not want us to grieve as ‘people who have no hope’ (1 Thess 4:13). Even as we grieve, God tell us the truth about where our babies have gone. They’ve been dismissed from the hospital called Earth. You and I still roam the halls, smell the medicines and eat coalescent food off plastic trays. They, meanwhile, enjoy picnics, inhale springtime and run-through knee-high flowers. We miss Ashley like crazy but we can’t deny the truth that she’s freed from all pain and struggles and tubes and incubator. She’s really happier in Heaven, in the company of all other child-angels like herself.

And what’s brings some comfort is that we will see her (and our 2 elder sons) soon. Life blisters by at mach speed. Reunion is but a splinter of an eternal moment away…Till then, we just have to face our giant each day and honour our babies’ short but precious existence in our hearts.

Ashley's Song

I was made to Praise You.

After the complications with Joash's delivery (where his tiny head was dislodged and remained in my womb together with his placenta), Ashley miraculously continued to grow steadily by the weeks (despite the odds being stacked so high against her - the cocktail of drugs administered intravenously to me to combat the infections from the left-over contents, the lack of space for her to grow, the still un-closed cervix etc). Each week, when the ultrasound scan showed that she's going well and gaining weight, our hearts are filled with so much gratitude to God for preserving her life. She was a feisty fighter indeed. At around week 22-23, she was moving so vigorously that even her Daddy could feel her fetal movements while placing his hand on my tummy! Those were such special bonding moments and Daddy would place the CD player near her and start playing Mozart music to her. Then he'll personally sing her his favourite Mauri Lullabys before ending the evening with a prayer. I'll never forget how tender those moments felt...

One of the afternoons as I was listening to the worship CD and reading the Bible while waiting for David to knock off from work, this song struck me as 'Ashley's Song' and I began to listen to it repeatedly and sing it to our baby daily. I felt deeply convinced that God preserved Ashley's life for a purpose - that she will be born as a miracle baby and her testimony will bring Glory to His name. Even as I lay at the OT last Sunday awaiting my emergency C-section, shivering from the painful jabs of the spinal epidural and totally petrified at the thought of losing yet another baby (due to the same circumstance of ruptured membrane), I kept humming this song in my head...May I present to you Ashley's Song - "I was made to Praise You".

I was made to Praise You
I was made to glorify Your Name
In every circumstance,
to find a chance to thank You.
I was made to love You
I was made to worship at Your feet
And to obey You Lord
I was made for You...

Ashley must be sitting on Jesus' lap right now singing this song to Him...Mummy misses you baby and I've not stopped longing for you...

A Father's Broken Heart...

What this is NOT...

…it’s not God-bashing. It’s my personal thought process…in fact, after all that has happened, I don’t think WE are the one doing the bashing but rather…being ‘bashed’. No but seriously, if you feel uncomfortable reading my thoughts then stop, go read some cheesy book because unless you’ve been thru what we’ve been thru, excuse me, you are not entitled to really judge and comment. This is my train of thoughts on what my wife and I have gone through and we are entitled to our opinions. Please save the holy God talk, we don’t want that, we don’t need that. At least I don’t because…there were enough talking going on with no action…on God’s part.

So…if you feel uncomfortable, stop reading lest you feel compelled to vent YOUR idealistic, godly values in OUR blog. Thank you very much.

God’s finest hour…in the NICU?

I was afraid that if someone were to step in, either I would startle him or he would me or both of us would startle each other but I figured, I’m truly desperate now – my baby’s life is hanging on God’s Grace and Mercies now so why let a bit of embarrassment stop me?

Immediately I dropped down on both knees just right below the NICU notice boards with all the smiling success stories of preemies who made it, alone in the NICU lobby, I prayed and prayed hard while my baby Ashley lay there dying.

I told God, that if ever in my life I needed Him to do me a miracle, it is now. So many people have done so much, fasted and prayed and now…it’s really up to Him. I prayed and prayed. Asking for covering, protection…the works but did it work?

How was God’s finest hour?

The Day After…

Waking-up seem so meaningless. Before Ashley died, each day would bring new victory, new joys. In fact it was not too long ago that I could actually feel her kick inside Angie’s womb but today…it’s a different reality. In fact it’s a reality we are sickeningly familiar with. However there’s a new twist.

Today I had to get Ashley’s death cert processed BUT before that happens, I must get her BIRTH cert. (You see God’s sense of humour in this? This is what good literature texts are made of) Anyway, like I said I’m sickeningly familiar with this reluctant acceptance. Just like when our son Joash lost his head during delivery – like it or not, He makes you accept it.

Ok…so I sit at the Birth Registry counter doing my fatherly duties albeit with a glum face and heavy heart. After that, I moved to the counter on my right (yes, just change seat to my right – don’t you just LOVE Singapore’s efficiency?) and started processing Ashley’s death cert when a lady accompanied by her mother (I think) walks to the birth registration counter on my left and asks if she can register her baby’s birth without putting ‘the father’s name’ inside’. Whoa! Anger and jealousy hit me like a brick!

So apart from learning a new thing – for single parent registration of Birth, you have to go to ICA, not hospitals, I learnt that God deems that Angie and I would probably be worse parents than that single mum, because these folks are blessed with easy successful pregnancies while we are not, despite how much efforts we’ve put in and sacrifices we’ve made. Talk about knowing God’s will!

The Birth Cert.

I held Ashley’s birth cert in my hands. Nicely laminated, clearly printed except…no baby to bring it home with. Then I saw it…right at the top right hand corner – her birth cert number…starting with ‘T’.

That would have been Ashley's i/c number when she grows up. How I wish we could use that to register her for play-school, kindergarten, nurseries...B ut first, I've to use it to book a cremation slot to bid our Princess a reluctant goodbye...

Everything seems the same…

It’s night. We sit together at ward 44-14, eating dinner, arranging the countertop, killing ants (yes…these ants benefited too from all those goodies people having been blessing us with)…everything seemed the same as the other nights in the past 7 weeks except this time…Ashley is no longer with us: We no longer can look forward to the ‘doppler’ sessions when the nurses or doctors would come and scan for her heartbeat twice a day; we no longer can sing to her, feel her kick and tell her how much we look forward to cuddling her…

Everything seems the same except….it’s not.

3 Strikes and…

They say lighting don’t strike twice. Well…it did for us. In fact, 3 times. How’s that for luck?

The 'Souvenir'

We travel widely and inevitably we collect souvenirs at every trip. This journey Angie’s got one – the permanent long scar across her lower tummy that’s causing her unbearable pain even as I’m writing this. It’s not exactly the ‘altar of remembrance’ we had in mind to erect for God upon Ashley’s birth...

Our last moments with Ashley...

After the doctors removed all the tubes from our baby Ashley, they dressed her and wheeled her up to the ward where I've been confined to complete bed rest for the past 6.5weeks to let us spend some private moments as a family...It was 10.45pm, we took more than an hour to cuddle her and show her all the affection that we wish we have a lifetime to shower her...

She was a beautifully formed baby- big, lovely eyes, long limbs and slender fingers which would make her a fine pianist. It was hard to say goodbye especially when mummy was already learning how to express breastmilk for her and we had the maid arrangement in place, even hired a carpenter to decorate the babyroom with a brand-new wardrobe just for her. But we know God's plan is higher than ours and we kiss her a final goodbye before she's sent to the hospital morgue, her temporary resting place...We've been told to go make her birth-cert as well as death-cert today. How ironic and twisted life can be...

It breaks Mummy's and Daddy's heart to let you go but we know we'll reunite in heaven someday. Come running to us again with your Kor-Kors Nathaniel and Joash ok? We can't wait to embrace the 3 of you again and by then, our family would truly be complete...but for now, so long our Precious Princess Ashley...

Her life in the ICU

Our Angel Ashley Joy

Many of you know that we've lost our firstborn Nathaniel on 10th October 2004. Then we've lost Joash, our 2nd son on 21 April 2007. This blog is specially created to honour and remember our 1st liveborn daughter - Ashley Joy Sim who lived a short 36 hours on this earth before she too joined her 2 brothers as Angels of the Lord...


As the pain is still very raw, David and I would let the pictures speak for themselves.



Ashley was born on a beautiful Sunday (just like her 2 brothers) on 3 June 2007. As a premature 24weeker, she was immediately wheeled into the NICU (Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit) at the KK Women's and Children's Hospital after she was delivered via emergency C-section...As I was running a high fever from post-surgery infection after delivery, I wasn't able to go down to the NICU to visit Ashley on the 1st day but her daddy, David did. Each time he went, Ashley would recognise his voice and actually respond better to the many life-support machines that were hooked up to her. On the 2nd day, when my fever subsided a little, David quickly wheeled me down to take a look at our Princess as the Neo-natologist had detected that Ashley's having slight bleeding in her brain and lungs are scarred by the high-frequency ventilator used to help her breathe.



In the brief 30 minutes we were there, her oxygen respiration rate improved and she opened her eyes to gaze at us...She obvious could recognise her daddy's voice for he used to sing her lullabys and talk to her each night. And when she heard mummy's voice, she frowned as if to tell us she was in pain. We left at around 5.30pm. After that, things took a downward turn. By 8.30pm, we received an urgent call from the NICU that Ashley's situation is very critical...Blood was pooling up in her brain and she was having a Grade 4 bleed. While they were trying to give her a blood transfusion to stop the blood haemorrage, her heartrate dropped rapidly and even stopped several times. No amount of resuscitation would revive her...By the time David was allowed back into the NICU, Ashley was already gone...Her brief struggle with all the tubes has finally ended.






Our daughter Ashley Joy Sim is now safe and sound in the mighty arms of God...Born 3 June 2007. Called to Heaven 4 June 2007. Forever loved and fondly missed by Daddy, Mummy, Grandmas and many uncles and aunties who have supported us throughout our pregnancy and loss...